The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We smell like vodka and hangover
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