Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize