Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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