When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
