You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
