the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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