I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
