my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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