If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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