My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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