Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
