Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
