It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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