i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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