Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
