Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
