Tell her she can't have a vagina
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
