In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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