I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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