I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
