I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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