im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
