I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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