you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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