He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
