I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
