An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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