Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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