so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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