The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So here I am, sexting at work.
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