I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
