I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
