I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
