put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
