This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
