just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
