I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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