I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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