You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
