I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
