Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i think im in europe. pls send help
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
