i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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