when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
