two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
