My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We had sex on a dog bed..
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
