yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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