If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
