Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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