oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
