I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
