I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
