I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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