there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
