You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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