The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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