she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
