so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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