I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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